Dang It, River, I Love You
by shaping-up-to-be-pretty-ood
Summary: He never thought River would ever do something like this. But, now that he had been there, it fit her perfectly. Somehow. (This will make more sense if you've seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show.)


The Doctor slammed the door as he walked out of the TARDIS into his wife's cell in Stormcage. She merely peered at him over the top of the book she was reading, clearly not perturbed by his attitude.

"My bedroom wall?" he snarled, leaning over her threateningly, getting very close to her face.

She laid her book open on her chest and kissed him sweetly, since he clearly hadn't thought about the proximity of their mouths when he was trying to be intimidating. "What's wrong with your bedroom wall, honey?" Her voice was falsely sweet and she couldn't quite keep the corners of her mouth from turning up.

"Hello, sweetie," he growled, his cheeks blazing after her strategically placed distraction.

"Hello," she chirruped. Her smile was winning the battle now.

"You painted it on my bedroom wall!"

She burst into full-blown laughter then, exposing her neck to her husband, who snatched up the opportunity to pepper it with wet kisses.

"I hate you," he whispered against her windpipe.

"No you don't," she laughed.

That made him smile. "Naahh... I really don't."

xXx

"Since I'm not going to allow you to back me into sex against the console again, where would you like to go?" He straightened his bowtie and fought the blush that was creeping back onto his cheeks..

"Now that you mentioned it..." She stalked forward, rubbing her hands over her husband's chest and getting dangerously close again.

"No. No. No. No. River. River stoppit." He groaned and grabbed her wrists. "You're like a... a randy teenager."

"And you're my husband. I'm _allowed_ to be like this with you." She pouted prettily, looking up at him with her biggest doe eyes. "And prison is ever so boring."

"I spend every night with you," he blurted.

"Well I do like the way you're restraining me..."

"Pick a place, River! Anywhere you want." He dropped her hands and rushed to the console.

"Don't pull that lever, you'll crash us."

With a roll of his eyes, he gestured towards the controls. "Go ahead." He failed to suppress a laugh when she started darting around the platform, wild mane of hair bouncing around her determined face. "Where are we going?"

"It's a secret. Sexy knows, and I want you to go to the wardrobe and put on _exactly _what she's picked out for you."

"Only I get to call her Sexy," he mumbled, planting an awkward kiss on her cheek before following directions.

xXx

Oh no. No, he was not wearing _that._ He didn't care where they were going. He didn't care if they weren't leaving the TARDIS, he was not going to wear that ever. And he had made some seriously questionable fashion choices in twelve hundred years (decorative vegetables and a rainbow jacket), but they were never as ridiculous as this. It look like something River would wear before they got... well... _intimate._ Why in the universe would she ever expect him to wear it for any reason at all? It was just so ghastly, all sequins and lace and _those heels_ looked like they were enough to snap anyone's ankles while wearing them. One trip and he'd be heading into regeneration before he ever got to Trenzalore. He was prone to tripping, and running into things, and just being a clumsy idiot in general. _Your wife is absolutely insane,_ his inner voice said cheerily, like it was just folding laundry or doing a crossword. Old gossip. River's a lunatic.

"You're supposed to put it on, not stare at it." He jumped when she spoke, obviously zoning out and unaware of her approach.

"Too bad. I'm not going to."

"Why?"

"_WHY?_ Did you just ask me why? That is not something I will ever ever wear in the history of any universe you will ever find. Never. Not even using quantum multiverse theory. I won't." He crossed his arms across his chest, looking very much like a child. "It's inappropriate and weird." He couldn't even fathom why she would want him to wear it in the first place, as he knew of most of River's kinks by now. He could understand why she might wear it; sometimes when he got distracted (which was far too easily achieved) he needed a little redirection, and corsets and stockings usually caught his attention pretty quickly.

"You operate on weird, and where we're going it's perfectly acceptable."

"Not doing it, River, this is the one thing I will not do."

She rolled her eyes. For all he claimed to be twelve-hundred years old, he sure acted like a four year old digging his heels into the grass when it was time to leave the park a lot. "Please? For me?" When he shook his head jerkily she decided it would actually probably be better if she gave up and found something else suitable for what they were about to go do. She held up about six other options that made him gawk at her like she was absolutely mad. Finally, he agreed to the striped pajamas and Mickey Mouse ears, despite her informing him that it was a female costume.

That launched a rant.

"Pajamas and mouse ears are a female costume? River, you tried to get me to wear fishnets and a corset! How is _that_ not a female costume?! I'd much rather put on pajamas than... _lingerie."_ The last word came out in a horrified whisper.

"Believe me, sweetie, where we're going it wouldn't look out of place."

xXx

"I don't understand." The look on the Doctor's face was absolutely blank as he took in the scene around him- men and women dressed in corsets and feather boas and even a couple maid outfits.

"Really? This is the largest showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show in human history."

"The what?" He blinked several times as a man in full (expertly done) drag strutted by them and winked sultrily at the Doctor.

River laughed, fluffing up her already massive curls and pushing her husband all the way out the TARDIS door. He turned to look at her, seeing as she had forbidden it while they were still on board, and his jaw just about fell off.

"Your_ hair,"_ he whispered in awe.

"It's red!" She grinned. "I'm Magenta. You'll see soon enough."

"You mean I'm not allowed to just drag you back into the ship and spend an agonizingly long time ridding you of your ridiculous outfit?" He had stepped closer to her and his voice had deepened, taking on an edge he normally didn't use outside of the bedroom (or whatever happened to be doubling for a bedroom at the particular time).

"No." She drew the word out as sternly as she possibly could, heels giving her the height to stare directly into his eyes defiantly. "We're going to go into that theatre, participate in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and _then_ you can disrobe me in whatever ungraceful manner you please."

A shudder wracked him involuntarily. It was so hard to get used to being stared down by River, but now she was a couple inches taller with fiery red dye in her enormous curls and wearing an incredibly revealing maid's outfit. "Very... _ungraceful,_" he nearly growled, pointing at her threateningly. Three centuries of this mad woman and he still hadn't gotten used to the effect she had on him. "Possibly the most ungraceful night of our lives."

"Looking forward to it," she hissed back. Despite her outwardly fierce disposition, he could still see her eyes glint with the familiar mischief.

"Oh, I love you."

"I love you too."

xXx

"Even though you looked a bit frightened at the "Sweet Transvestite" number, am I correct in guessing that you had a good time?"

"It's difficult to say... That was certainly the strangest thing I've ever done in my very long life. Very long." He looked at his wife with a sidelong glance, trying to avoid her noticing. "I never would've thought you would do anything like that. But then again, it is rather fitting now that I've seen it." He frowned and turned his gaze forward again. "Why was everyone shouting?"

"That's part of the 'experience.'" She made air quotes, careful not to hit anyone in the head or get her hands tangled in someone's costume on their way back to the TARDIS. "Fan participation. At any other live showing of something, it's frowned upon to shout out things mid-movie. Here it's heavily encouraged. And it's fun to see who can come up with the best lines."

"I think I heard someone say 'orgy in the pool' during that... scene." He gulped and met her gaze. "That scene was slightly disturbing."

"Mhmm." There was a slightly amused smirk on her face that pulled up at the left side of her mouth. "What was your favorite scene?"

"Time Warp!" he immediately said, a grin lighting up his face. "A song and dance about travel through time and space; now that's just cool! It's like my theme song!"

"Except you can't dance."

"Well-"

"Or sing."

He huffed. "Can so. Maybe if you'd stayed at Rory and Amy's wedding you would've seen my excellent dancing skills. And I can sing perfectly fine. I just don't do it while anyone's around."

"I'm not just anyone, now am I?"

His eyes grew wide, startled by her insuated suggestion. "Absolutely not." As they entered the TARDIS once again, he proceeded to strip off the ridiculous pajamas, throwing them towards the stairs carelessly. He whirled when River cleared her throat. It was more than obvious she had enjoyed his actions and that made him blush.

"I believe you said this would be the most ungraceful night of our lives?"

He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Yes. Well, I... Yes." Both of his hands rose to his throat, but grasped nothing. "Oh, right, no bow tie. Well." With a grin, he whispered, "Come here, then, Mrs. Song."


End file.
